Can't do a single pull-up

How do I get from zero to my first pull-up?

The evidence this is real

Pull-up threads in r/bodyweightfitness routinely pull 100–300 comments each. The interesting part: almost nobody searches "pull up assist band" (Trends interest is only 12.6/100). People search their problem, not the product that solves it.

What solves it

Assist bands
Doorway bars
Progression programmes

Guides

Guides on this problem are being written.